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Family Talk Blog

Nurturing your love to build a strong relationship

Dr. Paul | July 09, 2019 |
 

I attended a beautiful wedding July 4th weekend. The couple, in their early 30s, wondered in their late 20s—would they ever find love? Leslie, the bride, had attended tens of weddings of her large friendship circle. Now, it was her turn to walk down the aisle.

As in many modern weddings, the couple shared with their community their deep sense of love and respect for each other by writing their own vows and sharing their love story. It was touching. Most of us older folks had tears in our eyes.

Of course, I thought about my own wedding, some 42 years earlier. Married in my in-... Read More

Making it through the difficult teenage years

Dr. Paul | July 03, 2019 |
 

I ran into one of my colleagues in the hallway and asked him how he and his family were doing. “Everything’s great,” he replied. “Except now I have a teenager.” I knew immediately what he meant.

When my daughters became teens, everything in our family changed. They didn't want to go on family vacations. They could barely greet me when I came home from work. When we did all go somewhere they were snarky and sarcastic. They came home after school, went to their room, shut their door, and came out only for meals. They stopped talking to us.

They were also sneaky about where they... Read More

Setting boundaries for summertime

Dr. Paul | June 25, 2019 |
 

Finally, after making up for this winter’s snow days, school is out and summer is on.

Graduations from kindergarten, 5th grade, 8th grade, high school, and college are over. No more homework, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks, and no more early morning hustle to get everyone to school. Parents get a break from chauffeuring their kids from activity to activity. Everyone can kick back. It’s time to settle into the summer routine.

For the first week or so, some teens let their night owls fly and stay up to all hours watching movies, playing video games, and texting... Read More

Addressing body image issues

Dr. Paul | June 19, 2019 |
 

Earlier this month, my wife and I attended a wonderful performance, “Season Encore,” at the Pacific Northwest Ballet in Seattle. It was a retirement celebration for two of their soloists. I hadn’t been to the ballet for a long time and thoroughly enjoyed the beautiful leaps, bounds, and spins.

But it was also disturbing.

Most of the women were stick thin and whittled down, while the men had normal, athletic bodies. I get it. There is a classical ballet aesthetic—skinny, long-legged ballerinas. But many of these women looked gaunt, otherworldly, and unhealthy.

I am the... Read More

Not underestimating the importance of grandparents

Dr. Paul | June 13, 2019 |
 

When I was 8 years old, my paternal grandmother moved in with our family. My mother, who lost her mom when she was 18, was very close to her mother-in-law. My father was overseas at the end of World War II when my older brother was born. My mother was 21-years-old, with a newborn, and moved in with my grandmother. Living in a multi-generational family wasn't new to her.

I loved having my grandmother live with us. My mom worked full time and so my grandma took up the slack. In those days, I came home for lunch. I remember steaming bowls of chicken soup waiting for me. When I came... Read More

Not underestimating the importance of grandparents

Dr. Paul | June 13, 2019 |
 

When I was 8 years old, my paternal grandmother moved in with our family. My mother, who lost her mom when she was 18, was very close to her mother-in-law. My father was overseas at the end of World War II when my older brother was born. My mother was 21-years-old, with a newborn, and moved in with my grandmother. Living in a multi-generational family wasn't new to her.

I loved having my grandmother live with us. My mom worked full time and so my grandma took up the slack. In those days, I came home for lunch. I remember steaming bowls of chicken soup waiting for me. When I came... Read More

Helping adults and children cope with trauma

Dr. Paul | June 06, 2019 |
 

Last week I attended the 30th annual International Trauma Conference titled Psychological Trauma: Neuroscience, embodiment, and the restoration of the self. Several thousand mental health clinicians from around the world attended. It was sponsored by Bessel Van der Kolk, M.D., one of the world’s foremost researchers and clinicians in the field of developmental trauma. He wrote an excellent book called “The Body Keeps the Score,” which I highly recommend.

In the last 10 years, the field of neuroscience has blossomed. With new brain imaging techniques, we can better map the brain and... Read More

Negotiating a summer home with your college student

Dr. Paul | May 29, 2019 |
 

College students are coming home for the summer. It’s a huge readjustment for older teens who were living in dorms and in off-campus housing. At school, they had complete freedom to come and go as they please, with no parental oversight. No one to ask you when you’re coming home, where you’re going, who you’re going with, or what you’re planning to do. No one to bug you about cleaning up your room or folding your laundry.

I remember when our kids came home from college, especially their first summer. They were snarky when I asked them when they were coming home from a night out with... Read More

Overcoming loneliness in today's age

Dr. Paul | May 22, 2019 |
 

Despite the rapid growth of social media, a recent survey of 20,000 American adults found that nearly half reported feeling sometimes or always lonely. It’s a paradox. On the one hand, some adults have acquired hundreds of Facebook and Instagram friends and follow their every move. Some folks are receiving and sending texts to family and friends by the bucketload. But on the other hand, these same adults feel lonely. It doesn't make sense. Or does it?

Humans are pack animals, like our close friends, canines. We want to be part of a pack (family), have connections with others, and... Read More

Helping children with emotional and behavioral dysregulation

Dr. Paul | May 15, 2019 |
 

When my youngest daughter was little, I realized that she was a spirited child. She was strong-willed and highly reactive. When she got upset, she had no trouble letting us know. At the time, I read a wonderful book called “Raising Your Spirited Child” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka which had many helpful hints. Her book was first published in 1991 and is still relevant today.

In the last 25 years, innovations in neuroscience have helped us better understand the physiological basis for what we now call emotional and behavioral dysregulation.

The frontal cortex of our brains, which... Read More

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