Why Do Some People Pick the Wrong Person?
I see many adults who struggle to find their soul mate! Everyone wants to find Mr. or Ms. “it”. Yet some men and women seem to repeatedly select the wrong person, and then they feel disappointed, discouraged, or rejected. They want commitment, love, and loyalty and they find themselves dating a “commitment-phobe”. They are looking for someone who will be affectionate and loving and they select someone who is aloof and distant. What gives?
Mary, 25, starts dating a man who shares that he is just coming out of a long term relationship that didn’t go well and doesn’t want to get “seriously” involved with anyone. Mary is falling for this guy and hopes that he will “change” his mind. Guess what? He doesn’t.
Bill is hoping to find someone who is ready to settle down. He starts dating an attractive, self-avowed “party girl”. Guess who ends up feeling disappointed?
What’s going on? This kind of behaving at cross-purposes can have many causes. Sometimes, despite knowing what she wants, Sarah lets her “heart” lead the way. She believes that despite “knowing” better, she should let her emotions guide her. This can be a recipe for disaster. Listen to your heart, but use your head! Our brains are not just for filling the space between our ears!
When you see a red light, stop! Driving through a “stop” sign can result in a life altering crash. Respect signs that tell you to slow down because of a dangerous curve. Otherwise you may end up in a ditch! Frequently adults see warning signals, but they ignore them, because they want this person to be Ms. Right even if she isn’t! Better to respect these signs. Don’t be afraid to move on and keep your eyes open for Mr. Right-For-You.
Hope and fear—these two powerful emotions can make you deaf, dumb, and blind! Hope is a powerful mind altering drug—hope that the man you are dating is going to be everything you are looking for. Fear that this woman is the last stop before the desert makes you deaf to all of the alarms going off.
But she’s so beautiful! He’s so intelligent! She’s so smart! He’s really good looking! She’s so spontaneous and energetic! He’s so warm and affectionate! Strong individual qualities do not a great package make. Better to step back—slow down, listen to what you hear, and look at the whole picture.
For adults who have had several disappointing relationships due to poor choices, I have a universal suggestion. Slow down! Then slow down a little more. After you have slowed down further, slow down even more! Take your time! Don’t ignore red lights! Don’t rush in! Give yourself time to see the other person as they really are, not as you hope they might be.
While hope and fear can blind you, desire can send you over the cliff. So many of us yearn for love, companionship, and commitment. We want to find our soul mate so badly. This intense desire can make a frog look like a prince!
So follow a few tips:
Ask about his or her relationship history. If Joe has had a series of three-month relationships, wonder about his staying power. Mary has been married 4 times, each to the same kind of person. Try to get a sense of their relationship patterns. Listen with an open mind, but don’t be afraid to connect the dots.
What is he looking for? If Don says that he isn’t available for a serious relationship and that’s what you want, walk away. How a potential partner presents his or her expectations is very important.
Look around you. Sometimes adults are so focused on finding the right person; they miss the attractive individuals in their back yard. The apple on top of the tree is not always the juiciest. Sometimes the one in front of your face is the best.
I know…you are worried that you will never find love. Be optimistic. Let love find you.
Have you find your soul mate? Are you looking? What has helped you?