You are here

Young Adult Children

Dr. Paul | June 01, 2016 | 9 comments
Young adult texting while in a coffee shop.

Recently, a co-worker and I were talking about our adult children. Sometimes, for Baby Boomers, our young adult kids seem less mature than we were at the same age. Is that really true? Did our parents have the same thought? It’s hard to remember how I saw myself and the world when I was a young man. Age brings a perspective that youth lacks.

However, it’s a fact that there are more young adults living with their parents than in previous generations. Jobs are scarce and housing is far more expensive relative to income than it was in my youth. It’s very hard for these adults to live independently. It makes sense for newly employed young adults to live with their parents and (hopefully) save money.

It may also be true that this generation is more financially dependent on their parents than Baby Boomers. My parents did help me out when I was a graduate student. But I was on my own after graduation.

These new realities place parents and children in a different relationship with each other. How do parents respond to their adult children’s requests for financial help?  What are the rules for living with your parents? What expectations should these housemates have for each other? There is no template for related adults living with each other. We have to make it up.

Several years ago, my youngest daughter asked me to pay for her health insurance so she could leave a job she hated. She wanted to quit and look for another job but, needed my financial help to do it. She made a strong argument for my support, but I was uneasy. I thought she should stay put until she found another job. I decided to say no. My daughter was angry with me. But she didn’t quit until she found another job. I thought that she did the right thing, but she still thinks I was wrong.

  • My template for providing help— I only donate to causes that I believe in. I helped pay for both of my kid’s graduate education because I am a strong believer in the value of higher education. I made a decision never to lend my kids money. If I want to help them, I give them a gift. I don’t want our relationship to be soured by a debt.
  • It’s very useful to have discussions with adult children about these nuts and bolts matters before they arise. This is especially important when your kids are living with you. Discuss your expectations about housework, coming and going, money, food, and guests. Your home is not a hotel. Don’t leave anything out! Be explicit and clear—what does straightening up after yourself mean? What does cleaning the kitchen look like? How do you want your adult child to contribute to the good of the household? How will you deal with unmet expectations? It’s helpful for both parties to make agreements with each other about these practical realities.

It may be reasonable to ask employed kids to pay something for room and board—it will engender a more adult relationship. If you like, stick the money in the bank and give it to them when they leave. But don’t let them know in advance what you plan to do!

If your adult kids don’t honor their agreements or engage in behavior or activities that are against your values or beliefs, it may be necessary to either change or rescind your agreement.

  • Making life “easier” for your adult children is not always doing them a favor. A successful adult life requires facing tough problems head on, getting along with others, and taking your agreements and responsibilities seriously. Protecting your young adult children from these realities does not help them grow into their adult shoes.
     
Parenting

Comments

Submitted by Anonymous on Wed, 06/01/2016 - 4:20pm

I would be very disappointed if my young adult children still had to live with me. It would mean they were not trying very hard. Jobs are no longer that scarce. Kids need to know their first jobs are not going to be their dream jobs but they need to work anyway. In order to move out, they will most likely need to have roommates. They are probably going to be poor for a while just like most of us were. It makes them resourceful. It builds character.

We are very proud of our kids. They have rarely asked us for anything so it is with great pleasure that we are able to be generous with them on birthdays and Christmas. Also, being an empty nester totally rocks!

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 06/02/2016 - 9:07am

I have an adult daughter who has trouble making the right choices. She is still in collage and I pay her rent, living expenses and tuition. But she has lied recently telling me she had enrolled in a class and I made a payment on her student account. Instead she purchased an expensive computer at the college book store. She constantly overdrafts her checking account spending way too much on groceries which I am sure includes a lot of Alcohol. I have spoken to her many times about her need to stay on budget.

I am open to any comments and suggestions on how deal with this one

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 06/02/2016 - 3:11pm

I would continue to pay tuition but not rent or groceries. I would require her to have a job.

Submitted by Anonymous on Thu, 06/02/2016 - 10:42am

I don't think it's any harder to find work or move out . I think it is nothing but parents making excuses for their kids. We have made life so easy for this generation, we cover their falls, hover and rarely say no.

Kids want instant fix. I remember moving out at 18 , going to school, working and living with about 5 other people. It's what you did, you suffered a little as getting out was the goal and starting your life. We all had to work lousy jobs, share housing, dorms what not. Now, that isn't the goal. They want their comforts and will move out when everything is set up perfectly. They have to suffer a little, work jobs that remind them why they should finish up school and be independent. Mom and Dad need to encourage this. A little shove never hurt anyone.

Submitted by Paul Schoenfeld on Thu, 06/02/2016 - 11:05am

Sometimes "tough love" is required. When our children go out into the world on their own, life is far less forgiving than we are. In helping them prepare for that day, we may need to mirror reality a little more realistically. That may mean setting a budget and not bailing them out if they go over, not tolerating lying by having natural consequences, and saying no, when we want to say yes.

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 06/03/2016 - 1:14pm

I had both children return for different reasons and different amounts of time.
They have both moved on, one has completed school and has a job. The other is not doing so well and has cut us out of her life.
Parenting is not for cowards.
Love them and pray for the best.

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 06/03/2016 - 3:00pm

As an "adult child" myself, I had to recently move back in with my father. This was not for the situation most run into, I was very financially stable and living on my own. However my mom passed away in December and my dad asked me to move back in to help him out and keep him company. He doesn't want me to pay rent so I can save money, but I decided to take over some of the household bills in order to give him some relief and also I don't want to just mooch off of him while im there

However, I didn't move out until I was 25, but I was also working full time, going to school full time, and paid my own bills (those that I did have). I am grateful that my parents let me stay that long and save money so I could afford to live on my own and not have to end up living in the slums. I do think it is a bit harder to live completely on your own now a days, especially to buy a house when youre single. But I do see other people my same age who take advantage of their parents and don't seem to want to get out and become "productive members of society" (as my father always said).

Submitted by Anonymous on Fri, 06/03/2016 - 3:19pm

3 young adult children, all different.

Middle one is special needs, and is in an "apartment" in our home (may or may not change some day). She works, keeps up her apartment space, and uses Paratransit, but is still dependent on us for many things. A win-win.

Youngest moved back in for a time with his fiancé and baby boy, for about 1.5 years. I've never regretted this experience, even though it was a challenge at times, because I could never replace all that time with my grandson. However, it came time to go, and we told them, and they did - finding a house for themselves within a month. The rent we charged went directly into a college fund for the grandbaby (which we told them about after they moved out, as someone previously suggested). They are both working and in college. A win-win.

Oldest? Well, she's pretty much cut us out of her life, but she was the most difficult. They were all raised with the same expectation, but as college graduation got closer, she panicked and did NOT want to be on her own. She ended up dropping college (only 1 class to go), getting married, and is now living happily with 2 children in a city close to here. She never really forgave us for encouraging her to be on her own after college, and had been a very capable and hard worker previously. Decided not to pay the rest of her college loans either - it has been a huge strain between us. I'm happy she is happy and supporting her is no longer our concern!

Every child is different and unique, even though we raised them with the same expectation and work ethic. I have made peace with it, it is what it is, life goes on.

Submitted by Paul Schoenfeld on Sat, 06/04/2016 - 6:16pm

Thank you for your stories, one and all. Growing up, becoming independent, and finding your own way as an adult can be a rocky road--both for the adult and their parents. Sometimes tough love is needed, sometimes help is needed, and sometimes we have to just let go.

Dr. Paul

Family Talk Blog